Playing entities – Australian All-Terrain Bocce League

The 2024 season will be graced by the presence of eight playing entities, with three being singletons and five teams.

The draw for the 2024 season was held at the 2023 AGM. The three brave singletons are Motherchucker, Banker and Rawalpindi Express. If any entity fails to field a player at a fixture, the entity scores a 0-7 forfeit. As each singleton bears that responsibility without the possibility of other team members carrying the load, singletons might be said to be at a disadvantage.

At the AGM, the names of those who opted to play in teams were drawn from a blender in the traditional way (ie: once it had been turned off).

The teams for 2023 are:

Entity profiles

Pizza Express

Buzz Lightbeer, SuperMario and ~~HRH~~ Prince Andrew II are entrepreneurs at heart. Never open to letting an opportunity slip, they’re excitedly launching a fast food delivery business as a side-hustle to their 2024 all-terrain bocce season. Exactly how this will work remains to be seen.

For their team song, they’ve stuck with the pizza theme and chosen Good King Wenceslas (something about “Deep-pan, crisp and even”, they say).

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SuperMario

Having won the title in 2001 by battling his way up from the lowest rung on the finals ladder, punters backed him in a late surge that saw the bookies in tears.

Although S&M may indeed be a champion player, he has not been immune to the president’s curse. Time and time again great players have assumed high office, only to find themselves plummeting down the ladder moments later, stricken by the curse. SuperMario was no exception.

Said to be more partial to piña coladas and long walks on the beach than he is prepared to admit, SuperMario lists among his hobbies tennis, dressing up as The Man from Snowy River and hanging around in shoe shops.

Taking the Asti in 2010, SuperMario disappeared to Arizona for some altitude training early in the 2011 season. It worked a treat and he found himself in third place at the end of the home-and-away season. However, perhaps the altitude was too great in the finals at Mrs Herbert’s Park because, despite a double chance, he was knocked out by RE in the second round.

In 2012, his finals appearance was even less glorious and his proxy was knocked out by Serge’s proxy in the first round. SuperMario’s exploits in the teams era had, until recently, not troubled the engraver, bearing in mind that we don’t engrave the Asti.

In 2021, as a member of Two Fingers of Scotch, SuperMario came within a whisker of a spot in the grand final, losing 6-7 to Mochu in their semi-final. In 2022, S&M reached the pinnacle of global sporting achievement, being crowned Grand BOCCE as a singleton. Back in a team in 2023, S&M made the prelims as a member of Better than Charles, but they lost to Gonad.

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~~HRH~~ Prince Andrew II

The player we now know as ~~HRH~~ Prince Andrew II is a man of many talents. Handy Andy has pulled faces for Australia in the Commonwealth Games, taking a bronze medal in the solo free-form grimace event and silver in the synchronised frowning in Kuala Lumpur in 1998. He can recite pi to two decimal places and is said to have been able to tie his own shoe laces since he was 14. Formerly known as Big Pineapple, he was voted in All Terrain Bocce Monthly as having the silliest epithet in 2005 and 2006. Big Pineapple, as he was then known, was the 2005 Grand Bocce.

A player who generally saves his best shot for last, the prince has given the all-terrain bocce world a term to describe being gazumped by the last shot of the end, the “fox” – ie: to fox someone.

In 2009, he beat Brand X in the battle to avoid the Asti, but made it no further than the second round. He finished at top spot in the home-and-away in 2010, but crashed out in the semis. The prince showed great promise in 2011, again coming out on top before the finals. Although he defeated Serge, the eventual champ, in the first round, it was all downhill from there and he lost to Brand X in the second.

The 2012 season saw BP atop the ladder yet again at the end of the home-and-away season, but the fickle nature of the finals draw (as it then was), combined with the Curse of the Minor Premier, saw him take a dive out of contention in the second round, at the hand of Buzz Lightbeer. Cue the frown.

Once the teams era kicked in, the former BP had mixed fortunes. He played in the Pineapple Shooters with the player who was once, long ago, known as “Shooter”, but the P Shooters failed to set the world alight. Nevertheless, BP did well enough to be chosen in the 2014 draft to play with the Nomads in 2015. Unfortunately for BP and the Pigs, that was the first time since 2013 that they didn’t win the Grand Bocce title. BP was back to the winners’ circle in 2020, playing with Serge as CWA, although BP took no part in the finals.

In 2021, BP took home the Asti. In the presentations after the 2022 finals, he was one of the original recipients of the Pink Mink trophy for second place. In 2023 finals, playing as a member of the Second Eleven, Andy only made it to the second round.

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Buzz Lightbeer

Returning to Perth in 2011 after having been abducted by aliens, Buzz Lightbeer either doesn’t like talking about his other-worldly travels or he can’t remember them. His slogan is, “To infinity and… What was the question again?” Either way, Cannonball is said to have paid him a huge sum to play as proxy for him in 2012, a plan that went reasonably well, given Buzz’s form in the finals.

Buzz could be making this up, but he says that he plays first violin with the Sydney Symphony Orchestra, speaks four languages (not counting Klingon), and makes a really authentic fart sound, holding his palm over his mouth. A former wardrobe adviser to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s brother, BL is said to choose to eschew shoes, although it may be news to youse. Who knew?

BL is keen to sell advertising space on his hat, but is the first to acknowledge that the market for advertising on the noggins of left-handed Dockers supporters may be rather narrow. “I acknowledge that the market may be rather narrow,” he said.

This website has nothing to do Buzz Lightbeer and neither does this one. Perhaps not surprisingly, this one is something of a red herring as well.

At the 2016 AGM, Buzz was elected president of the league. He kindly volunteered to spend 2017 in the US, establishing the great game among the septics. At the 2017 AGM, re was re-elected as president and continued his good work in the Third World until mid-2018 when he returned to Aus. At the 2018 AGM, Buzz was re-elected yet again, thereby being the first player to be elected as president for a third term.

Buzz’s 2019 team, Go Dig Buzz, won the Grand BOCCE title, thereby overcoming The President’s Curse. Moving from one end of the spectrum to the other in the 2020 season, playing in the team Sunshine with Motherchucker, Buzz took home the Asti. As a member of Stingers in 2021, he made it as far as the semis. In 2022, playing as a member of ARSE, he very happily avoided the Asti, handing it to Barney. Playing in the 2023 finals from afar, as a member of Athletes for Life, he made it to the semis.

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Stormballs

Stormin’ Norman Hound Dog Taylor and Cannonball paid a consultant to come up with a catchy team name. They wanted one that would be awe-inspiring and packed with energy. They also postulated that, if they had a name that reminded them who they were actually partnered with, that would also kinda be a plus, as some of us don’t remember shit as easily as we once did.

The first offering from the consultant was Canon Norman. Hmmm. Fail.

Then they were offered Dogs’ Balls. Again, that did not excite the lads all that much. After a few weeks of this expensive nonsense, they settled on Stormballs.

The consultant also helped them pick their team song, and by this point he was not afraid of being predictable. They chose Riders on the Storm.

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Cannonball

Cannonball suffered a severe case of the president’s curse a few years ago and has never quite regained his scintillating form.

A keen exponent of alliteration and collector of airsick bags, the player once known as Shane is said to be the medico (“our senior guy’s a doctor”) at the Australian Hair-Loss Institute. Other hobbies include taxidermy, somnambulism and pick-up lines that are Harry Potter references.

In 2011, Cannonball had his right shoulder replaced… with a banana muffin. When the mistake was discovered, he had corrective surgery (muffinectomy and shoulderoplasty), but his season had gone. In the final, his proxy reached only the second round.

In 2012, Buzz Lightbeer played the season as proxy for Cannonball and came close to greatness, missing out on a grand final berth by one point.

In 2021, as a member of CBGBs, Cannonball made it to the semis. In 2022, he played in the grand final, as a member of Cairo, but losing to SuperMario.

In the 2023 finals, playing as a member of the Second Eleven, he made it to the second round.

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Stormin’ Norman Hound Dog Taylor

The Grand Bocce of 2008, 2009 and 2010, SNHDT plays with a tenacity and consistency seldom seen, even in elite sport.

In 2003, the Dalai Lama was asked what he thought of Stormboy. His Holiness replied, “It wasn’t so bad. Gulpilil was very good.”

That aside, our Stormboy is receiving international recognition for excellence in the great game, most notably some graffiti in a Rumanian tube station.

Perhaps the most recognisable attribute of SNHDT is the ice-cold and steely outward demeanour, apparently a cunning ploy, a wall put up around the man to keep the world from seeing what those close to him know is an ice-cold and steely interior.

Stormboy’s hobbies include making sex toys, infuriating Ian Parmenter, and gazing enigmatically into the middle-distance.

Stung by his improxified defeat in 2007, Stormboy decided to turn up in person in 2008. this cunning strategy bore fruit and he swept all before him, including Teflon (now known as Motherchucker) in the grand final, 8-4. Standing by this winning formula of being present in the finals, SNHDT beat Reg to take the title in 2009 and the insipid Teflon in 2010, thereby becoming the first boccistador to take the Grand Bocce title three times.

In 2011, he pulled his finger out early enough to avoid the play-off for the Asti and even made it from tenth place to the semis, before falling to the season’s eventual winner, Serge. The 2012 finals saw him account for Mochu in the first round, but fall to RE, 8-6, in the second.

Stormboy and Gonad came second in 2014, playing as Nomads Mk 1. Playing with Brad in the Dirty Three in 2016, SNHDT reached the semis. Although Storm Surge “won” the Asti in 2019, SNHDT made it into the grand final in 2020 as part of the Grim Reapers. He didn’t make quite that far in 2021, peaking in a preliminary final as one half of Two Fingers of Scotch. In 2022, as a member of Australian Research and Space Exploration, SNHDT was very pleased to avoid the Asti.

Avoiding last place was also a goal for SNHDT in the 2023 Finals. However, this time, he and Stella, playing as Dukes of Normandy, took home the Asti.

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Go Flat Out

There is a rumour that Reg’s car suffered a flat tyre in a remote place in the dead of night in 2023. The rumour goes on to say that he should have known that his tyre was deflating, that continuing his journey was perhaps not the best option, and that he was very fortunate to have been rescued by the RAC WTHWYT (“What the Hell Were You Thinking?”) helicopter.

Gonad enjoyed the rumour so much that he reckoned they should call themselves Go Flat Out, apparently in a reference to the name Gonad and Reg having had a flat tyre. One post on social media suggested that this is a better choice than Punctured Nut, but who pays attention to that stuff?

They have chosen Don’t Let Me Down as their team song.

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Reg

Having changed his name by deed poll in 1972, 1979, twice in 1984 and, most recently, in 2004, the player we now know as Reg has had a simmering identity crisis most of his life. Reg grew a moustache while still a child and was raised as an Italian by confused, yet loving, Australian parents, who called him Giovanni.

The Fixture Fixer to the AATBL by lifetime appointment, Reg claims not to be distracted by his off-field responsibilities. Some have asked whether he has thereby let slip a golden opportunity, for that would have been a plausible excuse for his lack of all-terrain bocce achievements, at least until 2006, when he was crowned Grand Bocce for the first time. Taking the unusual step of playing the finals in thongs, most recognised that these were Reg’s winged keel.

Reg entered the 2012 finals with clean underpants, no thongs a very determined look on his face. When the day was done, he had the trophy in his hand and a look of smug satisfaction, secure in the knowledge that he had left behind him all of this talk of thongs. As for the state of the underpants, who can say?

The teams era has seen Reg come close to the mark, first playing in a team in the grand final in 2015. Not quite so close in 2016. In 2018, Reg (playing with Barney as Reg Barney) entered the finals in fourth place (out of seven teams). Somehow, they managed to take home the Asti. Turning things around to a large extent, Reg played in the 2019 grand final with Mother Reg. They came second. No cigar.

In 2021, glory was his and he was crowned Grand BOCCE for a third time. In 2022, he made it as far as the first preliminary final, losing to the day’s ultimate winner, SuperMario.

In the 2023 finals, playing in the Second Eleven, he made it ony as far as the second round.

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Gonad

Born in a coffee shop in rural Wales and raised by a Jesuit zookeeper, Gonad is a self-effacing caffeine addict with an unusual accent and an affinity for animals. According to his CV, he likes boot-scooting, prime numbers, and Ferris wheels.

Gonad enjoyed an illustrious career as a gun for hire on the AATBL proxy circuit. He counts among his career highlights managing to find his way to every game and never having fallen off his scooter on the way home.

Playing as proxy for Banker in the 2012 finals, Gonad was the first victim of the player then known as “Painter” (now “Digger”), 8-2. Interviewed after the game, Gonad explained that, being a Demons supporter, he is no stranger to defeat.

Gonad and Stormboy came second in 2014. Gonad, playing as an Inscrotable with BP in 2016, made it as far as the preliminary finals. He achieved the ultimate sporting prize in 2019, taking the Grand Bocce title as a member of Go Dig Buzz. Playing as one third of CBGBs in 2021, he made it as far as the prelims. In 2022, Gonad made it to the semis as a member of Fuchu.

Playing as a singleton in 2023, Gonad’s home-and-away season was underwhelming, and he began the 2023 finals by winning the play-off to avoid the Asti. After that he was on fire, and blitzed all comers right up until the grand final, when his flame was extinguished by the Burley Hurlers.

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The Killer B’s

Barney and Brad are smart. Right at the outset, they were onto the fact that their names both start with B. They are so smart that they opted not to pay a consultant to help them choose their team name, unlike various teams with lesser cerebral prowess.

Wanting to riff off the whole B thing, they shortlisted some names. Included were The B Team, B1 and B2, The BB Gunners, the BB Kings, How Woodya B, and The B Group Vitaminstrels. Eventually, they decided to pull a name from a hat and The Killer B’s was chosen.

Their team song is Bad to the Bone.

Brad

Initially known as Captain Casual, this laconic player developed a reputation in the league’s formative years as a player who could extract great results from shots that had a minimum of preparation. The Casual Fling was an art-form. Poetry in motion. It was good while it lasted.

Falling off the pace in the next few seasons, Captain Casual had to find some way to re-invent himself. He took a sabbatical in Canada and embarked upon a rigorous training program, in the wilds of The Yukon. In the process, he lost part of a finger to frostbite, wrote his first novel and found Buddhism, but did not, until recently, regain his early form.

On his return, he found that he had been re-named Shooter, but even that didn’t work. There have even been some reports that he went off the rails for a while. The tabloids say that the physical and mental effects are now becoming clear – months in rehab, tantrums on television and renal stones the size of your hand.

Never keen to let the truth get in the way of a good story, the AATBL names committee went with the kidney stone story and changed the great man’s name to “The Rock.” Now, as his publicist will tell you, he’s Brad and he’s bad.

Playing alongside RE in the Jolly Rogers in 2015, Brad powered the team from fourth place to win the grand final. Playing with Psychoceramics in the 2021 finals, he made it to the prelims, where the day’s ultimate winner, Reg, prevailed. In 2022, as a member of Fuchu, Brad made it as far as the semis. In 2023, as a member of Better than Charles, he made it to the preliminary finals.

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Barney

A noted throat singer and collector of souvenir teaspoons, Barney first made a name for himself clearing glasses from tables at the staff cafeteria at the 1984 Olympics. Before that, he had no name and his was a pretty confusing existence.

Since his release from prison, he has focussed on all-terrain bocce and staying out of prison, with more success at the latter than the former.

Elevated from the proxy ranks to the big time in 2013, this former Olympian knows all about pressure. He says being in the 2013 AATBL draft was a walk in the park.

Coming up positive to Red Bull and ibuprofen in the league’s tough new testing regime was, according to Dinosaur Boy, no big deal. Barney says the real pressure, the real test of strength and determination, was having to sing “We’re The Flying Pigs” alongside Painter.

Nevertheless, his time in the teams era has not been without success, as the Pigs took out the Grand Bocce title in 2013, 2014, and 2016. In the 2021 finals, Barney was a member of Stingers, who were bundled out in the semis. He slipped further down the pole in 2022, coming last and taking home the Asti. However, he went from zero to hero in 2023, when, as a member of the Burley Hurlers, he grasped the Grand BOCCE trophy once more.

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Sultans of Swing

Stella and Sir Justice Airwick CD DVD used artificial intelligence to come up with their team name.

According to their Facebook page, they fed into Chat GPT the instruction that they wanted to be known as the “[plural noun] [conjunction] [abstract noun]”, and they came up with a very long list of better names than the rather cliché one upon which they settled. Yes, they could have been Buckets of Putrescence, Grandparents in Therapy, Artists on Parole, or Artichokes for Peace, but they opted for Sultans of Swing.

Mercifully, they avoided the obvious choice for their team song, and have chosen Men Without Shame.

Stella

The player we now know as Stella has spent most of his playing career trading as “Brand X”. Embracing the generic and the lowly, the Brand X brand was said to have been all about being the hero of the downtrodden, a working-class hero of sorts. A nice enough idea, the Brand X people gave it a run for 14 years or so, before changing direction at the end of 2012.

Stella, who once stood next to Bob Katter’s aunt in a Brisbane restaurant, enjoys whistling, fish fingers and sticking his head out of a moving car window, like a dog. He says he likes nothing more than being alone in his bath, where he claims to have invented the thimble, soap people and the underwater flatulence code.

The fact that Stella owns shares in a Piedmonte winery is sheer coincidence. It has nothing to do with the league’s perpetual trophy (well, we thought it was perpetual) for last place, the Asti Spumante.

Playing with the Pittsburgh Stealers in 2016, Stella and the lads avoided the Asti, 7-0. Glorious victory is a matter of perspective.

Playing in the Big Guns with RE in 2017, Stella managed to have his team’s name engraved on the trophy, despite not actually playing in the finals. In 2021, as a member of Stingers, and in 2022, as a member of Fuchu, he made it to the semis. In 2023, playing with Dukes of Normandy, Stella again finished the season with the Asti in hand.

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Sir Justice Airwick CD DVD

In 2005, Serge managed to amass an impressive 28 points in a row scored against him, without scoring one himself. In an effort to turn his fortunes around, he had both shoulders, one hip and two of his cousins replaced with state-of-the-art bionic versions. Since then, he has not done quite so badly, especially when playing by proxy, as he has been known to do.

President of the AATBL in 2007, Serge did little to dispel the notion that the presidency carries a curse. In the finals he lost to 5-7 to Cannonball in round 1 and took no further part in the day’s play. The 2008 season saw Serge finish as minor premier, but he went on to lose both of his chances in the finals.

Glory was his in 2011, as he recovered from a first round defeat to BP, to eventually take the title, 7-6, against Rawalpindi Express. The 2012 finals saw an improxified Serge fall off the radar in the second round, 7-6 to The Rock (now known as “Brad”).

As for the teams era, Serge was drafted into the Flying Pigs in 2016, a move that worked out fairly well for him and the Pigs, as they took home the silverware on the big day. As a member of Resurgence in 2018, Serge once again finished the season on top.

However, a year is a long time in sport. In 2019, as a member of Storm Surge, Serge took home the Asti, only to return to the top in 2020, playing with CWA. He didn’t make it quite as close to the top in 2021, reaching the prelims as a member of Psychoceramics. In 2022, as a member of Urbane Gorillas, he reached the prelims.

In 2024, as a member of the Burley Hurlers, Serge was again the Grand BOCCE.

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The Banker

The Banker, elder statesman of the AATBL, is revered as our most senior citizen. Recently retired from a roller-coaster career in the heady world of high finance, The Banker has left behind him the working week, allegations of impropriety in several languages and a scurrying gaggle of confused auditors. He has, however, retained his own theme song, which he hums or whistles much of the time.

Life member and honorary treasurer of the sailing faction, The Banker’s hobby’s include writing children’s songs and thinking about places that start with “W”. A keen consumer of popular culture, The Banker lives life at breakneck speed. He is said to have once watched “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” and “Master Chef” on different TVs at the same time.

The Banker opened his AATBL bidding by winning the coveted Grand Bocce title in our inaugural year. He seems to have rested on his laurels (and his Zimmer frame) since that time, as he has not come close to his initial greatness.

The great man had a sniff of glory in 2010, coming second in the home and away season, but lost to Mochu in the semis. His 2011 performance was somewhat less inspired and he became the second former Grand Bocce to take the Asti.

In 2012, he was out of contention for the Asti, but crashed out by proxy, in the first round. Banker was one of the keenest proponents of the move to a teams-based competition.

In the teams era, Banker has done well, playing in the grand finals of 2015, 2018 and 2020 but only managing silver medals on all three occasions. In 2021, as a member of CBGBs, he made it to the semis. He edged closer in 2022, making it to the prelims, as a member of Urbane Gorillas. In the 2023 finals, playing as a member of Athletes for Life, Banker made it to the semis.

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Rawalpindi Express

Rumoured to wield all sorts of influence, the conspiracy theorists tout RE as some kind of back-room powerbroker in the AATBL.

Also famous or infamous for the most ridiculous pre-shot preparation in recorded history, Rawalpindi Express has attracted attention with his bizarre shoulder-stretching ritual. His shoulder might be improving, as he now plays Second Violin for the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra.

Grand Bocce in 1914, RE has wrestled with his demons (OK, yes, and with naked ladies in spaghetti) since then, but was not able to re-capture the elusive formula for success until the advent of the teams era. Some say his spaghetti has also suffered.

The 2011 season saw some return to form, RE playing from fifth spot into the grand final, but lost to Serge, 7-6. In 2012, the last round of the individuals era, RE and his shoulder made it to the semis, falling to The Rock, which makes it sound every bit as painful as it was.

In the teams era, RE has been in teams that have played in six of the last ten grand finals, of which five were victorious (two wins with the Flying Pigs and one with the Jolly Rogers, then a second place with the Jolly Rogers and wins in 2017 with the Big Guns and 2018 with Resurgence). He was less successful in 2021, but managed to avoid the Asti, as he did in 2022, playing with ARSE. In the 2023 finals, playing as a member of Athletes for Life, RE did a little better, making it to the semis.

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Motherchucker

Few can match the spin generated by Mochu, and that observation has nothing to do with a ball in flight.

Not without occasional flashes of brilliance in the field of play, the player initially known as Motherchucker, then Whiz Fizz, then Teflon and now Mochu once again, has a reputation for talking the talk. Some would say blowing his own trumpet. Others would say playing with it, or big-noting himself. Referring to himself as KGMC (for kind and gentle Motherchucker champ), Mochu is not one to hold back with an observation about his stellar prospects for the season or the shortcomings of other contenders or pretenders. One of only two two-time AATBL individual champions, Mochu held the Grand Bocce trophy aloft in 2002 and 2007. In the 2008 finals, Mochu again made it from fourth place to the grand final, but SNHDT was too good, prevailing 8-4.

He came close to greatness in 2010, but Stormboy again came closer, taking the title for a third time. The 2011 finals saw Mochu begin in ninth place, only to exit in the first round, again at the hand of his arch-nemesis, SNHDT.

As for Mochu’s success in the teams era, we keep hearing that a return to the glory days is just around the corner. He came tantalisingly close in 2018. Playing as Mobank with Banker, the lads made it as close as the grand final. Again in 2019, Mochu playing in Mother Reg made it to the season finale, only to be pipped at the post. That disappointment might have had some effect on the great man, as he managed to take home the Asti in 2020, playing with Buzz Lightbeer as Sunshine.

He turned that frown upside down in 2021 when, playing solo, he rose to the grand final. Unfortunately, he missed the main prize by that much, losing 4-7 to Reg. In 2022, again playing solo, Mochu made it as far as the semis, where he was eclipsed by the day’s Grand BOCCE, SuperMario. In the 2023 finals, Mochu’s run continued ony as far as the second round.