RE: Your service to charities is legendary. I’m told that you’ve been helping that French charity Patronnes sans Pensionnaires. What is it about Landladies without Boarders in particular that floats your boat?

Barney: I don’t know. They seem to have struck the right balance between tax deductibility and saucy suggestiveness. It’s like the landladies might be lonely. And the French name helps. Phwoar!

RE: Indeed. Economic commentators have been talking about “helicopter money”. Do you think the league could benefit from helicopter money from the government?

Barney: Helicopters are pretty expensive. If the government is thinking about sending some money in our direction, beer money would probably do. Mind you, if they do give us helicopter money, that would see us through quite a bit of beer.

RE: The nation’s press has been up in arms about why we didn’t bring home gold in all-terrain bocce at the Olympics.

Barney: Well, going to Riyadh probably didn’t help our cause, but that’s not entirely my fault.

RE: Why not?

Barney: OK, it was. But the tickets were cheap and nobody was arrested or robbed.

RE: True enough, but your administration has not been without controversy. The fixtures scandal comes to mind. And what happened to Digger’s urine sample from a few years back?

Barney: Look, the press had a go at Reg about the fixtures, but he’s doing his best. It can’t be easy to get each team to play each other team the same number of times. It’s not like he’s a Rhodes Scholar. He’s doing his best and I think people should ease up on him. As for the urine test, for fuck sake, I’m sure that Digger has plenty of piss. We just need to get him and the stewards together.

RE: For a piss-up, perhaps? What about the missing sample? Where is it?

Barney: Look, try to understand. Digger has no shortage of urine. It’s not like he’s on dialysis. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind giving another sample.

RE: Yes, but the whole idea is to test the urine at the time of the suspicious play, to test for banned substances at that time.

Barney: So what substances has the AATBL banned?

RE: Well, look, the point is, a sample was taken and it went missing.

Barney: What substances have we banned?

RE: We haven’t actually banned any.

Barney: Dickhead.

RE: Thank you.