Barney vs Rawalpindi Express

Barney: Welcome aboard.

RE: As always, it’s a pleasure to be here. I love rural Tasmania.

Barney: What? Never mind. I hear you’ve been making bread.

RE: Yes! All was going very well with that for a while. I had combined the ingredients, kneaded the dough nicely and had wrapped it in cling-film, just as the recipe required. I had heard that this was a very good recipe, but I’m not so sure now.

Barney: Why’s that?

RE: Well, the next step in the recipe said, “Stand in a warm place for 30 minutes.” OK, I was a bit sceptical, but I left the bread in the kitchen, went into my study, turned the heater on and stood at my desk for thirty minutes.

Barney: You don’t think that helped the bread?

RE: Of course not. It was a piss-take. Somebody set me up. I’ll be buying our bread from now on.

Barney: It’s a cruel world. Speaking of people playing tricks on others, do you still think that the NASA astronauts didn’t actually play all-terrain bocce on the moon, as is claimed by lunar bocce denialists?

RE: Well, in the photo that is usually used to prove that those brave men did play the great game on the moon, you can’t actually see a cod. It’s really only evidence that someone somewhere in an astronaut suit raised an arm. Who’s to say that they even took the cods to the moon? Maybe Buzz Aldrin forgot to pack them. Maybe he packed the carpet bowls by mistake. How embarrassing would that be? They couldn’t really go back and get them. Armstrong would have been like, “Houston, we have a problem. This no good sonovabitch forgot the cods. How’s about we turn around and pick ‘em up? It shouldn’t take too long.”

Barney: So you’re a denialist?

RE: That’s not what I said. I think I’m undecided. Well, I’m reasonably sure I’m undecided. I certainly wouldn’t deny being undecided. OK, put me down as “not sure”.

Barney: So where is the Australian All-Terrain Bocce Hall of Fame?

RE: Look, I’m not sure… but let me be clear. I don’t deny that it exists. Or that it doesn’t.

Barney: Moving on, I’m told you’ve ruled yourself out of contention for the role of head coach of the Socceroos. Why was that?

RE: Well, I’ve never played or watched the game, I know nothing about it and I’ve never had a coaching role of any kind.

Barney: Come on. Don’t sell yourself short. Many would say that’s exactly the sort of fresh mind that the round-ball game needs in Australia.

RE: I don’t know anything about soccer, here or overseas. And why do people call it “the round-ball game”? If you look closely at sports throughout the all-terrain-boccesphere, you will note that there are 214 games that use round balls, of which billiards, ping-pong, tennis, cricket, pelota, ga-ga ball, snow polo, pesapallo and Irish football are but a few. Why should we focus on only the most boring one?

Barney: Fighting words from one so ignorant. Thanks for your time.