Big Pineapple vs Banker

Website elves’ note:

As you would know by now, Banker has always been an anxious little petal. He worries a lot about what people think of him. Not happy with his last interview, he didn’t want to take part in another one because he was concerned that the reader will form the immutable conclusion that he’s a dickhead.

Therefore, in a break from the traditional interview paradigm, he has been granted a Special Presidential Dispensation to provide his answers in a multi-choice format.

Banker invites you, the reader, to select your own answers from his choices, below. As you are to choose your own answers to the incisive questions put by Big Pineapple, Banker asks that any resulting name-calling or complaints not be directed at him.

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BP: As we approach the sesquicentenary of the arrival of the last convict ship in WA, what are the main problems confronting the AATBL, going forward?

Banker: Well, clearly:

1. As we don’t have the option of going back in time, “going forward” is pretty much compulsory. I reckon one of the main problems is redundancies in our interview questions.
2. We need an AATBL president who lives in Australia. Having one who’s a little bit taller would be nice as well, but I’d settle for just having one who lives here.
3. The website’s shit. I mean, seriously, WTF you guys?
4. I’m delighted that the league is in such great shape. I can’t think of any problems that it has. I couldn’t be happier. I can barely contain my joy. Seriously.

BP: So, what do you think of the league’s draft system?

Banker: Well, I’m on the public record as having said:

1. OK, I’ll say it. Nobody wants to get partnered with Motherchucker. Guess who drew the short straw?
2. Of all the all-terrain bocce leagues with which I’ve been involved, this one’s the best. I love it. And I love the draft. Did I say that?
3. Look, it sucks. Just sayin’.
4. I’m sorry. What was the question again?

BP: As many lives are full of missed opportunities, what is something that you have never watched?

Banker: I can honestly declare that I have never watched:

1. Any of the Rocky movies while naked.
2. Any of the Rocky movies with clothes on.
3. RE not attempting to influence the direction of the AATBL, the result of a game, where a shot should be played, where a fixture should be held, who wears what to a game or the direction of the earth’s rotation.
4. A Dockers premiership.

BP: You have a reputation for wearing your heart on your sleeve, for not holding your emotions back. With the league now in its twentieth year, what are some of the things that have pushed your buttons?

Banker: Well the thing that really gets me going is:

1. The bloody bocce rules. I didn’t vote for them. Where did they come from?
2. The way your chest hairs poke out through the V in your shirt.
3. The smell of cash – you know, the folding stuff. Or the invigorating waft of my shares going up in value. Actually, I think it’s pretty hard to beat the delicate aroma of an international funds transfer. Mmmm.
4. All this talk about climate-fucking-change. What a crock of shit. They’ve even stopped selling that pea and ham soup at Vans. I asked why and they said the peas were contributing to climate change by making people fart. I tried to fart right then and there in protest, but I shat my pants a bit. I’m not sure the lady noticed, but she knew I wasn’t happy.

BP: Thank you so much for this, Banker. I’ve always enjoyed our little chats.

Banker: You’re:

1. My favourite. You know that.
2. Such a turkey. You should go back to TAFE and try to get a real job.
3. Welcome.
4. In my personal space again. Back off.