The 2023 all-terrain bocce season exploded into life in parched conditions in Bold Park on 26 February. Some commentators have suggested that the first round of President Motherchucker’s reign was marred by controversy.

It seems like only moments ago that President Brad was criticised for pork-barrelling by giving each league member a signed book. Many have suggested that President Motherchucker also left himself open to allegations of impropriety by first publicising a letter of support from state premier Mark McGowan, and then starting a rumour that he planned to hand out ice creams to league members at Round 1. Despite the rumour, no ice creams eventuated. It’s hard to tell whether the angry mob was more upset by the condescending promise of a tasty treat, or by his failure to provide it.

The other topics of conversation included the Dukes of Normandy and HRH Prince Andrew II both losing by forfeit, and RE fluffing the fixturing in Reg’s absence and causing the out-of-form Gonad to play a game that was not scheduled.

Both of the teams on top of the ladder after Round 1 were the beneficiaries of forfeits. The Second Eleven (Cannonball playing without being held back by Reg) beat Gonad 7-2.

Gonad, playing as a singleton, did not have a good day. First, he says he chose his outfit with his eyes closed. Although the resulting assemblage seemed not to put his opponents off, their taunting might have affected Gonad’s mojo.

Next, he lost both of his scheduled games, the other being a 6-7 loss to Better than Charles. Third, Rawalpindi Express, having been deputised to oversee the fixtures in Reg’s absence, managed to have Gonad play a game that was not scheduled, and Gonad lost that as well, going down 4-7 to the Burley Hurlers.

Of the two games that the Burley Hurlers were scheduled to play, they scored a 7-0 forfeit win over the Dukes of Normandy, but lost by the same margin to Athletes for Life (playing sans Buzz as he continues to promote the game in Vietnam).

AFL won its other game, that being an 8-5 victory over Better than Charles.

Our Dear Leader was the other 7-0 forfeit beneficiary, leaping to the top of the ladder thanks to HRH Prince Andrew II being in custody for non-payment of parking fines (again).