SuperMario vs President Big Pineapple

S&M: Congratulations to you for resuming the presidency.

PBP: Many thanks. Not before time, I must say.

S&M: What, the congratulations?

PBP: No, my resuming the presidency. Look, Buzz Lightbeer is a nice enough chap, but three terms? He wasn’t even in the country for most of it AND he’s left-handed. How the fuck did that happen?

S&M: OK, let’s get to the point. I think we both know that the time for dancing around this question has long passed.

PBP: Has it? Yes, OK. Well, probably. What question? Do you mean whether it’s true that the Japanese have a very fast train that’s used for transporting poultry?

S&M: No, we’ve all heard of the famous Pullet Train. You’re behaving like a politician already.

PBP: Well, it has been a while and … [S&M interrupts].

S&M: Let’s get back on track…

PBP: Not the train track? Imagine that! Feathers everywhere. Pullet Train. It’s a funny word, “pullet”. What did the poultry farmer say? Take my cock and pullet?

S&M: No. No. It’s actually not funny, and it seems that you are keen to avoid the issue here.

PBP: No, I’m actually all about the issues. From day one, my administration has … [S&M interrupts].

S&M: Why did it take so long to get the AATBL back on the paddock? Since when did a rigged online quiz constitute all-terrain bocce? How many cases of COVID-19 have actually been acquired from all-terrain bocce balls?

PBP: Look, I’m not sure that those stats have been finalised. Also, there’s quite a lot of false information out there and … [S&M interrupts].

S&M: Are you suggesting that somebody’s fiddling with the numbers to cast the AATBL in a bad light? Why would anybody do that? And what false information?

PBP: Well, I wouldn’t want to guess who’s been putting it about. Others have blamed the league’s previous administration – some people are talking about “Lightbeergate” – but I certainly wouldn’t point the finger. We’re all in this to … [S&M interrupts].

S&M: Don’t. Just don’t. There’s only so many clichés I can take. You’re the president, so you … [PBP interrupts].

PBP: Well, sometimes I identify as the president.

S&M: But you were elected at last year’s AGM. You are the president.

PBP: That’s discriminatory. Who said being president is binary? Sometimes I identify as the president. Sometimes, I’m a nine-year-old Belgian boy named Philippe. Last week, I was a portable refrigerator, but I was still the president. Tomorrow, I might be you.

S&M: You can’t be me. Fuck off. I’ve always been me. I’ve got first dibs.

PBP: You see, that’s where your closed-mindedness and prejudice get in the way. Why is it OK for you to be you, but not for me? One rule for you and one for me?

S&M: I thought you were a portable refrigerator named Philippe. I’m pretty sure I’m not.

PBP: Look, it’s that sort of flippant and dismissive attitude that prevents this country from making any meaningful progress. I want to lead the AATBL to a place that’s more inclusive and gentler. It’s about respect. Why can’t I be whoever … [S&M interrupts].

S&M: Whoever? Whomever.

PBP: Whomever? Whatever. We need to put petty discrimination behind us and learn to grow as individuals.

S&M: As individuals? That seems a bit arbitrary. Why am I just one entity? Why can’t I be all the members of the 1970s band Racey, the collected works of George Orwell or three kilos of oranges?

PBP: Good point.

S&M: I’m looking forward to your speech at the AGM.

PBP: Thank you for your support.