An interview with Gonad

Digger: How’s the Gonad Institute coming along?

Gonad: It’s going from strength to strength. We’re planning a ball.

Digger: Annually?

Gonad: No, just one ball.

Digger: How’s your book coming along?

Digger: Great. I’ve just finished it. It’s called “The First Draft” and it’s about how famous lines from pop songs were completely different when they were first written.

Digger: If you’ve now finished it, why’s it called “The First Draft”? Doesn’t that suggest that you’re still working on it? Were all the good ideas taken?

Gonad: It’s actually rather cool. Consider these. Elvis Presley’s song “Hound Dog” was originally “Hot Dog”.  You know, [sings] you ain’t nothing but a hot dog. When The Police first wrote “De Do Do Do De Da Da Da”, it was “Dum Tiddly Um Dum Snicker Snacker Woo Woo”. “If You Leave Me (Can I Come Too?)”, by the Mentals, was “Get Off My Foot, Please (You’re Overweight)”.

Digger: That’s all well and good, but who gives a shit?

Gonad: You asked me. There’s no need to be rude.

Digger: You’re widely regarded as the best all-terrain bocce player in the whole of the state. No, I’m sorry, that says “street”. The whole of your street.

Gonad: Thanks. I’ve worked hard.

Digger: Even so, many would say you’ve once again hit pay-dirt with the draft this year. Stormboy, the only player ever to hold three Grand Bocce titles as an individual, is the first and only member of the Australian All-Terrain Bocce League Hall of Fame. You and Cannonball took out the Asti for stone-cold last in 2015. You used your draft pick to bring BP on board, and you and he managed a very close second in the home-and-away season in 2016. So, what do you and SNHDT foresee for 2017?

Gonad: What? I’m sorry. I had an itch. What was the question again?

Digger: For fuck sake. Pay attention. What are you getting for Christmas?

Gonad: That’s not what you asked me before.

Digger: Yes, it is. I asked you what Stormboy is giving you for Christmas.

Gonad: Well, we’ve agreed that neither of us will give the other anything that costs more than $10,000.

Digger: You can’t trust Stormboy. He will buy you a car, just to make you look cheap. You’d better get in first and get him one. Something European.

Gonad: OK. That’s good to know. Thanks for the heads-up.