RE: You’re probably expecting me to bang on about the fact that you’ve won the league’s “wooden spoon” award, the Asti Spumante, so many times.

Stella: No, I can’t say I was, but that’s OK. They say that adversity builds character and that anything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

RE: Is that what they say? You’ve come last individually five times and once as part of a team. You must be very strong by now, but let me change the subject.

Stella: OK.

RE: Do you collect wine?

Stella: Not really. We quite like wine and we may have a few bottles in the house at any one time, but I wouldn’t say that we collect it.

RE: It’s just that, if you did bring the Asti home, you know, yet again, it might be less conspicuous if there were some other wine bottles around it. You know, so the family might not notice it. Just a thought. Moving on, do you have any holidays planned? Somewhere that wouldn’t be breaching any parole conditions, perhaps?

Stella: What?

Re: You know, some parole conditions specify that you’re not allowed to be within so many metres of a person, or that person’s home. Sometimes they say you can’t go near schools or children’s playgrounds. Have you had any unusual side effects from your medication lately?

Stella: What?

RE: Well, don’t ask me. It could be nausea, maybe constipation, increased irritability. Maybe you hear voices. Sometimes, if you’re taking major tranquillisers they can have a nasty interaction with alcohol, especially Italian wines, I’m told. Not that you would be any more likely to drink Italian wines than the next member of the league. So, who’s your favourite Beatle?

Stella: What?

RE: You know, your favourite Beatle. Everybody’s supposed to have a favourite – Paul, Mick, Keith, Woody or Derek? Some people like the quiet one, but then, we’re all quiet eventually, aren’t we?

Stella: I think you should be quiet now.

RE: Good luck avoiding the Asti in 2016.

Stella: Piss off.